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There is so much I know

and so much I don’t know.

Life is funny like that.

All I know is that we’re getting very close, but the waiting–the outcome–is still hard.

Will there be a baby or won’t there be a baby? 

I try to brush the thought away like a pesky fly that keeps buzzing around my head. This adoption, I’ve avoided thinking about the outcome too much.

Since this journey is such a tender subject for me, my first response is to try not to overthink, overanalyze and overpredict the end result (I shamefully admit to all three).

It’s not that I’ve given up, I’ve just given it up to God.

I’ve learned that no amount of worry can change what God has planned for me. My job is to trust He will intricately weave together these things: my life, my child’s life, our futures.

That is always our job–to trust that he will work things out according to The Plan.

The Plan being His, not ours.

I’ve met many people who share with me a deep, unmet desire of their heart. Often these desires are good, holy things. They pray hard about it. They wait. And nothing happens. My heart weeps with theirs as I watch them wait.

Occasionally, this desire becomes all-consuming. Sometimes it even steals their focus from their first love.

In an attempt to fulfill this good desire, they somehow lose focus on the most important thing in life: their relationship with Christ. They don’t lose their faith; faith just becomes secondary to this desire.

Over the last decade as we’ve struggled through infertility, adoption, and the loss of our son, I’ve realized that even though I’ve always wanted to be a mother–a good desire–I can’t make that my first priority. My first desire is Christ. That’s what I’m called to above all else.

At times, I’ve put my personal desires above my desire for a deeper relationship with God. I didn’t realize it then, but now I see how much spiritual growth I missed as I allowed envy, bitterness and disappointment to seep into my life.

God taught me that everything we’re given is His, that all our desires should be secondary after Him, and in Him we have all we need.

As we’ve pursued one failed adoption after another, I realized I need to be, above all, seeking Him and His Kingdom. Our losses this year have not led us to a place of grief, but to a place of contentment and trust.

This adoption journey is molding me, making me more like Him, and helping to cultivate a deeper faith.

So will there be a baby or won’t there be a baby?

There is so much I know

and so much I don’t know.

 

 

Sara

4 comments on “Adoption Update: We’re Getting Close”

  1. You touched my heart and also reminded me that I also, too many times, let the desire of my heart that I’ve been waiting for for almost 35 years, take over my focus on my relationship with Christ. Thank you so much for your sharing. I’m praying for all of you in this wait. God bless you all and I know that God is in this birth for all. This is one very blessed child. You are such a gift Sara and God works through you immensely with your writing.

    • Thanks Joan. You are such a joy, always. It’s inspiring. Even with the weight of your unanswered prayer, you exude joy. Such a lesson for me. For all of us.

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